From the rabbits... with Comment from Jim Bunny AKA Hunter Wells

Why do we stash our niceness in the glovebox and yield to our darker side as soon as we drive in the supermarket carpark?

Yes, I’m always barking on about supermarkets. But it’s building again. Sponsored by a few GRUMPs. They’re gaining new notoriety – GRUMPs stands for Grievance Ridden Urban Midlife

Perpetrators.

The acronym was coined by UK lawyers after a spike in the arrest of older people, invariably men, of course, pensioners, on suspicion of crime.

GRUMPs are rife. Last year, UK bobbies locked up more than 33,000 65-plus GRUMPs on suspicion of naughtiness, transgressions, crimes. GRUMPs Drive Surge In Crime raged the headline.

I sneak into that demographic by about 10 years. And I wear the GRUMP tag as a badge of distinction – irritable, grumbling, sulking, ill-humoured and perpetual acid reflux. But eminently loveable of course. I see myself as a pet GRUMP.

I smile with a scowl, a furrowed forehead and downturned lips. Basically, it’s one face for all occasions – people just choose to misread it. Instead of saying something pleasant I will ‘tut-tut’ or ‘harrumph’. Part of my delight, my appeal.

I was taught well. The man, a salty bit of humanity, who shaped my grumpy years, lived right across the road when I was a kid. He was known as ‘Bugger Off’ – a gruff, surly, unsmiling old bugger. Outside his house was the flattest, widest, longest grass verge in the street. Ideal for neighbourhood cricket matches.

Personified 

The berm, the cricket pitch, had its perils. Because the kids fielding anywhere on the off side, then the leg side, had to stand in the middle of a busy suburban street. But they were still expected to take a running catch despite the traffic. It added to the tension of the match.

Then, whenever a game was nicely poised, ‘Bugger Off’ would emerge, and with arms akimbo, and face florid, tell us to, “Bugger off!” We would scatter. ‘Bugger Off’ personified grumpy. In 20 years living across the road, he never smiled, waved or said ‘Hello’. Well, now he can “Bugger off!”

He’ll be well gone. And while we’re taught there are no tears, pain and sorrow in Heaven, “Bugger off” will be flitting from cloud to cloud playing heavy metal on his harp and grumping interminably.

Experts believe GRUMPs might be because older men are drinking more. Really? I’ll ponder that over a cab sav tonight

And I know I’m grumpy because people often tell me so. Unhesitatingly, which tells you something. I got introduced the other day as ‘Old Office Grump’. I wasn’t offended. But there should be a pay margin for such esteem.

Sport 

If you’re looking for GRUMP sport, trying ringing someone somewhere and complaining. I did.

I rang the “first available staff” at a call centre, with a moan. My grump was being recorded “for training purposes”, of course, because people need to know how to handle disgruntled, ratepaying GRUMPs. I had to wait in the queue for my call to be answered, so that elevated the grump levels. The person who took my call was so charming and accommodating, it made me even more grumpy.

“I’m miffed,” I explained, “because some free-living, free-loading, freedom-camper had parked up his ghastly motorhome, illegally, at the bottom of the street for three days – helping himself to riparian rights, sweeping harbour views, a public reserve and two roadside car parks”. It was, I pointed out, freedom camper enjoys while ratepayer pays. I was hoping the staffer would share my outrage, burst into expletives, and dispatch a posse of no-nonsense hired guns to run the offender out of town.

But the staffer resolved the issue, without drama, which was kind of disappointing.

Segued again 

Then I felt bad because I’m sure no one spontaneously rings a council call centre to wish them an exhilarating day and thank them for what they bring to the city. Like a flash new library with all that free and equitable access to knowledge. No! Just moans.

So we have segued again – from supermarkets to GRUMPs, to freedom campers.

Heavily. In a couple of weeks, we will go back to the top; and deal with those supermarket experiences.