Welcome back y'all! A new month, a new year - it must be time to dwell on the past...

The past? Well Christmas. Since the massive annual end-of-year party here at The Sun left the entire office so shell-shocked that we had to cancel last week's edition of the paper there hasn't been a lot of time to dwell on Christmas. It's so last year.

But I enjoyed Christmas. I like eating too much and I like presents, giving and receiving. And I like looking at other people's presents.

And, as I was reminded again, Christmas is the time for products. My partner loves products. I love reading the packets that products come in.

Actually, I say 'partner” but, as a fully registered Dudist minister I should of course be using the correct nomenclature and calling her my Special Lady Friend. I am fortunate, in that she is on a seemingly never-ending quest to make herself look even more fabulous, which allows me to reap the benefits. And read the boxes. There's really nothing in the world like the boxes of beauty products. That's what I want to do when I grow up – write the blurb on the boxes of beauty products.

OKAY. Scanning the Spa and Relaxation room at the Watusi Country Club for new arrivals, the first thing I came across was Aquasource Gel from some serious looking folk called Biotherm. Every product needs a unique ingredient and Aquasource certainly scores with their choice. It comes with 'Thermal Plankton Cellular Water”.

This is very possibly what supplies the massive amount of protein that blue whales need to survive in inhospitable oceans but here it serves a different purpose: it 'delivers intense and long-lasting hydration” ('long-lasting” actually means 'up to 24 hour intensive hydration”, but who's quibbling?). You'll get 'plump and radiant looking skin” and it's 'paraben free and mineral oil free”. I don't even know what parabens are or why I should avoid mineral oils but I feel better already. As for plump skin...

At least Biotherm are accurate with their spelling. There's nothing more insidious at instilling a lack of trust in a product than spelling mistakes. That's how I lost confidence in the Soufflé Salt Scrub.

On the face of it this would appear a sensational product. Not only does it have an intensely silly name but it is multicoloured, going from lime green to yellow via orange and maroon. It looks good enough to eat, even if it still smells like shampoo. But the blurb... oh dear.

'Soufflé Salt Scrub is rich with essential minerals and vitamins that gently but thorughtly exfoliates dead cell.” Thorughtly? Really? Your skin will 'feel amazing refresh and rejuvenated”. I abandoned faith right there, despite the rather cute instruction to 'apply fair amount”. Exactly how much – I ask fellow bathroom pedants – is a 'fair amount”? Will your skin become all shot to hell should you accidentally apply an unfair amount?

Ah, questions, questions.

But any questions fade from mind when observing the pick of this year's product presents: Lancome's Youth Activating Concentrate. Just the name deserves a Nobel prize. My immediate thought was to get all those bored teenagers in one place and use some fire hoses to spray them down. 'Activating Today's Youth” sounds like a government policy just waiting to happen.

But, on closer inspection, I realised my mistake. This activates 'certain proteins” as opposed to the youth of today, possibly less important to society as a whole but who cares after you read about the effects?

'Drop by drop, skin is re-plumped, refined and re-illuminated, as if infused with life.” Magic. Until now I must confess I'd completely overlooked the importance of plump skin, but there it is again.

That must be our goal for 2013. Plumper skin. In previous years when I've hopped on the scales at the doctor's surgery and he's looked at me slightly disapprovingly I've always said 'hey I can't help it – I'm big-boned”.

Bugger that. I'm not big-boned. I'm plump-skinned.
Note: those expecting Winston to write about actual music should note that tickets for Easter's National Jazz Festival are now on sale. See www.jazz.org for concert details. Winston surveys what's on offer next week (and is impressed).