I've talked before in this column about the wonders of the ukulele and got myself into trouble for it.

Fair enough. I have been known from time to time to be less than tolerant of the instrument that is known politely by socialists among us as the 'People's Guitar” (now that roughly thirty seven million of them have been given to schools for the betterment of today's youth).

As someone whose partner has been seduced away from him by the lure of a ukulele group – didn't people just have key parties in the old days? – I've been thinking that a support service needs to be set up urgently for Ukulele Widows, the poor sufferers left out in the cold as their loved ones hunch over four-stringed surrogates and strum their way through another cheerful ditty.

Everything sounds cheerful on the ukulele; it is not an instrument made for sad songs. The rationale behind giving thirty seven million ukuleles to school kids is that 'at least they're not recorders”. Fair enough too.

You can't do a lot with a recorder (at least not a lot musical – they're still quite good for throwing into trees to dislodge stubborn avocados). No one writes songs on recorders. But no one writes sad songs on ukuleles. Ukuleles only do cheerful. They are like musical Valium. In 20 years time we will have become a nation as irrationally cheerful as an early John Key press conference. Every song will sound like that annoyingly chirpy TV jingle advertising holidays in Fiji. Lucky you. Lucky lucky me.

(Gratuitous joke: what's the difference between a guitar and a ukulele? A guitar takes longer to break if you repeatedly stamp on it.)

But, as I linger in lonely solitude at the Watusi Country Club, awaiting my partner's return from her latest ukulele dalliance, I can only observe that things are getting worse.

Next weekend in Katikati a whole pile of misguided (but doubtless very cheerful) folk have gone as far as organising a three day festival devoted entirely to the four-stringed menace. In fact this is the second one, as last year's event was reportedly a roaring success. (That just sounds wrong. Ukuleles can't roar. They can make a lot of noises – the crackling sound they give off on a small bonfire being a favourite of mine – but roaring is not one of them.)

So, anyway, apparently last year thousands of people turned up, ukuleles in hand, so this year a full three days are being put towards celebrating all things ukulele. Friday, Saturday and Sunday (20, 21, and 22 April) to be specific.

This year's festival is being planned by the local Katikati group Ukes-A-Plenty. There are jam sessions, busking sessions, workshops, blackboard concerts, children's concerts, and even a proper concert that costs $5 on Saturday night (children free) featuring the Tangaroa Trio, the Turkish Delights Dancers and Band, and Kevin Fogarty and the Ukulele All Starz Band. The Tangaroa Trio are from the Cook Islands (though resident in Auckland), giving the festival a true international presence while Kevin - I have on good authority - is known as 'Mr Ukulele”. I think you can get counselling
for that.

Busking is actively encouraged throughout the town for the weekend (as long as you're playing a ukulele) and the Sunday wraps things up with a special musical morning tea - hosted by Ukes-A-Plenty of course - at the Athenree Homestead. There's a $10 charge for that but it does include an Athenree Cream Tea and a tour of the homestead (and plenty of ukulele music no doubt).

Last year it seems that people from all over the North Island turned up and even visitors from as far away as Canada and Japan (though quite possibly they just had car trouble when passing trough town and happened to have a ukulele on the back seat). The organisers this year thus warn that there may not be enough accommodation in Katikati and advise trying Waihi, Waihi Beach or Athenree. This suggestion has, for me, certain merits. Even if strummed at maximum volume in a group of a dozen or so, I can't imagine that ukulele music played in Katikati would be audible in Waihi.