Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

As Rogers Rabbits takes in some much-needed RR – feeling the effects of the summer sun – we burrow into the archives to discover a ‘cobbled' together piece expounding the joys of summer fruit and vege...notably corn.

Ah, summer. A time of bountiful fresh fruit and garden produce. There's nothing like the crisp, flavoursome crunch of homegrown goodness.

Corn is one of my favourites. Not only is it wholesome and full of vitamins, it also is a good colour substitute for canaries, if you are having trouble sourcing them.
Okay, that'll be the last crack at our feathered friends. Promise.

Although I should just add one last comment from Mrs Gore who phoned to say that during the war she ate hedgehogs, horses and whales, but didn't know what the meat was at the time. They weren't told till after. She also pointed out there wouldn't be enough meat on the bones of a canary to feed many people.

Well, I guess not, if you're accustomed to a good helping of horse. But back to the corn.

There needs to be a Code of Conduct for eating it.

This occurred to me as the family was munching on fresh corn cobs. Some of the techniques displayed are a major concern.

Personally, I think corn on the cob should always be eaten in rows of three or four, along the cob.

This surely is the acceptable and logical way to do it.

The Harmonica Method.

When God genetically engineered corn, he designed nice straight rows, to be worked methodically along, left to right (The Harmonica Method) starting from the narrow end, and eaten in rows of exactly three at a time, depending on the size of the kernels.
The exception, of course, is when you are left with, say five rows. Then you have to decide whether to go for a three-and-two, or a four-and-one, or pig out on the whole five to finish.

This sensible approach is also known as the Typewriter Method, depending on whether you eat on the return stroke or not. It is logical, tidy and the only way to go.

But not so, according to my lovely wife, Claire, who prefers the Random Assault, which leaves the corn cob looking like it was hit by a shotgun at close range.

Or dragged on a rope through the Avenues behind a Bay Hopper. Her cob looks resembles the French military – half the kernels are AWOL.

Once the initial attack is over, she goes back for a second mauling. It's like watching a feeding frenzy at the waterhole on Animal Planet. In my clinically ordered and logical mind, this is appalling behaviour. I would like to hear from a psychologist on this.

You'll see the photo showing the poor molested cob looking more like a chess board, compared to the well gnawed Standard Three Row Harmonica approach in the other photo. My concern is this: What next?

Unless as a society we keep some standards of order and precision, the whole of the civilised world will turn to chaos. Starting with corn. Next thing you know, people will be putting milk in their tea before removing the teabag, then all hell will break loose.

Surveying the munchers

So Rogers Rabbits conducted an extensive survey of corn munchers to find out what sort of eating habits are out there. The results are astounding.

Other members of the family revealed that they use the Harmonica Method, but only two rows at a time. This is marginally acceptable, I suppose. But I'm sure three to four rows is the Internationally Accepted Standard for Corn Consumption.

The real shocker was revealed by another friend.

We'll call her 'K”.

She employs the Otter System, in which the corn is eaten from the narrow end, around the entire circumference. This Ring Barking approach takes in about five or six kernels at a time, the last circuit ending at the big end. This, I found quite disturbing, especially since she spends a lot of her time moulding the minds of impressionable young adults.

Among the Sun team, Steph confessed to not having much of a system, and her lack of commitment to any technique indicates some concerns.

We found it hard to categorise Steph's 'Sort Of Harmonica” approach, which involved quite a lot of deviation from the rows.

Kym is a classic Ring Barker, although she doesn't like the categorisation. She prefers to describe it as 'Circumnavigating.”

Mandy also defies classification, so we've made one especially for her. She's a Half-Cob Four-Row Harmonica Squirter, preferring to break the cob to eat half at a time and enjoys the squishy kernels squirting. Disturbing.

Julie, thank goodness, displayed all the critical signs of a well-disciplined Standard Typewriter approach, although again the tendency to two rows, not three, was an area for concern. But she was unwavering in commitment to the Typewriter Technique.
(We suspect her corn cobs go 'ding” at the end, so she can push the carriage return lever.)

This left me wondering if there are any other abnormal techniques out there.

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Rogers Rabbits, PO Box 240, Tauranga.