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Roger Rabbits with |
Don’t we just love weakness in people. Makes us feel more comfortable about our own foibles, flaws and failings.
Like the 80% of people who set themselves up to fail by making rash, unrealistic, unachievable New Year resolutions. Yes, 80%! Why bother?
Like the chunky – or is that size-ism? – who, on a whim and wish, sign with a gym pledging to lose 10kg, only for those dreams to be swamped in a tsunami of sweat and delusion. You quit in pain and shame and seek solace in a litre of Coke and a Triple Whopper and side of fries. But don’t worry – only 49 more weekly $30 donations, to the gym before your 12-month contract expires. Gyms must love New Year.
Angry belly
And those who make serious dietary decisions in their head while lying on the couch scoffing saturated fats, added sugar and sodium. It’s the psychological versus the physiological – the mind overflowing with good intention while the stomach is growling. An angry belly always wins.
I thought about pulling the belt in a notch over Christmas. But it was only a thought while couch-bound watching cricket on TV with a frosty IPA in one hand, another waiting, and mining a mountain of chicken biryani with the other. I was stacking on weight while toying with the idea of losing it.
The belt has actually been eased out two notches. But it didn’t count as failure, more an idea not seriously pursued. Meanwhile, the shirt buttons are creaking and straining.
And my Christmas excesses actually become your problem. Yes, because the shirt that yesterday fitted, today gapes – revealing a Nullarbor-sized expanse of pink and hairy when seated. It’s embarrassing when someone’s eye line suddenly fixes on your navel. You adjust and they disgust.
Big, quick, easy
I read resolutions should involve small, sustainable steps over time. So self-improvement is manageable and achievable without us getting overwhelmed. I prefer big, quick, easy steps with immediate positive outcomes and gratification. If I could manage that I would patent it. I would be a rich man.
So this is the reality. This is the time frame for how we pathetic beings, we ‘resolution-ists’, will unravel this year.
It’s a statement on spinelessness. Because already, three weeks into the New Year, 23% of us will have quit our resolutions. Come February, another 40-43% will folded. So why not save ourselves the anguish and quit now? By year’s end research suggests 92% of us will have failed. Crashed. Burned.
Amongst my inner circle of cynics is a bloke who resolved ’26 would be a year of niceness – being nice to strangers, greeting them, complimenting them, making them, and him, feel positive. Cure a few social anxieties. How noble.
Nice versus creepy
The resolution didn’t get off the ground. He took it for a for a test before Christmas and returned broken and disillusioned.
“I forgot how difficult people are, how emotionally detached and disengaged they are. Life would be so much easier if we didn’t have to deal with people.” He was hoping strangers might contribute to his own mental well-being in ’26. But they probably thought he was creepy. He’s back to his delightful, distrusting, cynical best, avoiding eye-contact and frivolous exchanges out there in the wide world. And he’s a better person for it.
There’s another 30-plus guy cruising aimlessly and carefree through bachelorhood. His life is uncluttered, uncomplicated and utterly indulgent. All his married mates are telling him to settle down while at the same time seething with envy at a life without boundaries. But at Christmas he decided ’26 would be the year to capitalise on his “charm, kindness, emotional intelligence, maturity, humour, respect and sense of purpose” and good looks – and find a ‘Mrs Right’. It’s the stuff of White Knights. But this lovelorn has only 11 months left to sort the rest of his life. At last report not so much as a nibble. And so a guy who drives 150 metres to the dairy is now offering romantic walks of discovery as an inducement. Good luck with that Casanova.
Do it and be damned
Who are these ‘resolution-ists’? Perhaps we can classify them.
There are the ‘smart’ – they figure, quickly, that a New Year resolution is a dumb thing. So they don’t. Sensible.
There are the ‘shrewd’ – they see lessons being learned even from failing.
The ‘analysts’ do a spreadsheet of pros and cons and scare off.
The ‘cavalier’ think about it briefly, talk loudly about it a lot, do it and be damned. Who cares?
The ‘optimists’ reckon everyone should be goal oriented and ambitious and make a New Year resolution. Then come December, we’ll all be burning joss sticks and singing Marley songs of unity and peace and self-improvement.
The anxious and smug
The ‘false witnesses’ quietly fail in their resolve and lie to save face.
The ‘two-faced’ offer love, hope and support. But behind your back, are waiting, and hoping you develop a leak and sink.
The ‘pragmatists’ speak realistically about the difficulties to be faced. If there’s fun to be had, they will kill it.
The ‘anxious’ worry whether they can psychologically cope with failure. Should they have a therapist on standby?
There are the ‘self-satisfied’ – they watch smugly from the sidelines, glad they won’t be along on this journey as it falters and fizzles. New Year Resolutions? Perhaps next year.
