Yep, you have heard right. Red is back from her tofu-eating, roman sandal-wearing sojourn in the back blocks of Motueka.

I don't know what she has been getting into down there but she has certainly worked up a head of steam. I am getting bitched at from all directions all because I am trying to do the decent thing and promote our Bitch of the Year pageant. I keep telling her there is enough of me to go around, and around, to no avail.
No worries, I can handle it, I am a dog of the people. I think it may have something to do with some of the letters that you cute canines are sending in. Keep them rolling in I say, especially this one from Fifi.

My darling Diesel
It's a good thing dogs have four legs – it gives them a balanced outlook on the world.
You could balance your ‘Bitch of the Year' competition, with ‘Male Mutt of the Bay'. Criteria: Must have balls and a good disposition. No mange, saggy jowls or daggy buttocks please.
And bite that Rogers Rabbits for me. Writing about the raunchy strippers on the pool tale at the Coroglen saleyards Christmas wind-up, when the ‘Men of Steel' stripper revue at The Colosseum would have been far more interesting! If they got on a pool table, I imagine one would need a pretty big triangle to rack those balls. Or is that too much meat for you to handle my dear?
Naughty Rogers also made an omission in his Top Twenty Christmas Toys for 2008.
I noted the 'Fisher-Price Little Mommy Domestic Purposes Benefit Doll: We don't know what it does all day. Cannot stand on its own two feet, regularly ends up on its back.”
Next time please include the Hasbro Dodger Dad Doll*. Used to be Action Man until he learnt a baby was coming. Dodges responsibility and leave the taxpayer with the bill.
*Warning: Dodger Dad does not come with condoms.
Love from Fifi, your scrumptious little French tart.

Now the boss man has been keeping me on a tight leash and has put me on a curfew so I do not wear myself out. Yeah right. Have you ever tried to keep a red blooded chocolate Labrador at home when his hormones are raging - no fence is big enough.
Keep the letters rolling in all, I will handle Red in a way that she can understand, if you know what I mean, wink wink.
Now all this bitching is getting me rather lathered so I will move on to my good old mate Johnny the Aussie Butcher. I bet he has all his bitches in a row along with his chicken breasts which he has on special this week. So get in but don't please bitch and moan at him if he has run out of breasts as he only has so many to fondle - oops I mean to go around. I thought we should try this recipe this week as the weather is so good for the barbecue and wash all the food down with one or two of these cocktails.

'Barbecue Smoked Chicken'

(with Hoisin Mayo)
Serves 4
Ingredients
Cooking oil spray
1 small onion, finely diced
300g chicken breast, skin removed and finely sliced
1 cup mayonnaise
3 Tbsp hoisin sauce
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tsp sesame oil
4 large white flour tortillas
4 handfuls lettuce, washed and sliced
1 cup cucumber, finely diced
3 Tbsp chopped fresh coriander
3 Tbsp sesame seeds, toasted

Method
Toast the sesame seeds in a small pan over a medium heat until golden brown.
Heat barbecue to medium temperature and spray with oil. Cook the onion and chicken for 4-5 minutes, turning with a spatula. Set aside on a plate. Turn barbecue off.
To make sauce, in a small bowl combine the mayonnaise, hoisin sauce, garlic and sesame oil. Mix together well. Lay your tortillas on a clean bench top, spread each tortilla with mayonnaise sauce. Along the edges nearest to you, place equal amounts of lettuce, barbecued chicken and cucumber. Sprinkle with sesame seeds and coriander. Roll the end nearest to you over the filling. Fold one end of the tortilla over to form a log. Continue rolling into compact roll. Place seam side down on a chopping board and cut on an angle.

'Aunt Agatha Cocktail'

Ingredients
1 ¼ oz dark rum
2 oz orange juice
3 drops bitters

Method
Half fill a short tumbler with ice. Pour in the rum and orange juice. Float the bitters on top. Garnish with an orange slice.
All you good people take it easy out there and remember keep on sending those pictures in. I have got to love the one of the Standard Poodle in her bikini. Yahoo, you are on my list baby.
To enter the Bitch of the Year, send your photos and a short caption to: [email protected] with Bitch of the Year in the subject line. High res jpg photos preferred.
If you'd like to post them in, send to Diesel at Sun Media, PO Box 240, Tauranga or deliver them personally to Diesel at The Sun offices at No.1 The Strand. Diesel is in the office full time for the next couple of weeks working on the pageant and looking forward to meeting his fans and potential Bitches of the Year.