Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Mr Ed was a talking horse on television in the sixties.

A lot of my age group grew up with programmes like Mr Ed. Some of you apparently still believe that horses can talk. It doesn't help when we see Ms Bradford interviewed on the news, which perpetuates the myth.

Along with other classics such as Get Smart, Lost in Space and Petticoat Junction, these programmes were pivotal to our early education of what America was really like. It turns out that, bizarre as those programmes and their characters were, the USA in real life is actually worse.

All that aside, I was intrigued to see that in the same news bulletin announcing that inane Shiteland Street had been running for 20 years, another news clip forecast the pending doom of TVNZ7.

Quite ironic that the one TV station offering some intelligent and alternative viewing to the usual tripe pumped out of TVNZ (such as the aforementioned soap) should be on its deathbed, while so many other pieces of complete nonsense are funded by the taxpayer.

It's a sad indictment of the average IQ of New Zealanders that when a sloppy load of PC-overdosed, poorly acted by tired old goats, OTT tripe such as Shiteland Street could have survived so long. Worse, we are effectively paying for it.

Meanwhile, clever and worthwhile programmes such as some of those on TVNZ7 are facing the axe along with the channel.

I watch a fair bit of Maori TV, enjoying the variety of programming and much of it well produced, thanks to the funding, but also the fresh take and the Kiwi-ness it offers. Along the way the viewer can also pick up bits of the native language, and that's a good thing for Te Reo, one of the aims of the channel.

But imagine my gobsmacked reaction when I flicked onto Maori TV on Monday night, to find….Mr Ed! This was no ordinary re-run of an old black-and-white comedy – but a dubbed over in Maori version… with English sub-titles.

That's right. Maori TV have taken an ancient American sitcom, dubbed over the entire soundtrack with Maori, then translated it back into English with the words running along the bottom. There were also some very witty ‘Kiwi-isms' worked into the script, for local flavour.

Entertaining and quirky as it is, I really struggle with the value here.

Not knocking the very fine Maori TV channel, (which is totally necessary) but it's interesting to compare the numbers. Maori TV spends about three times what TVNZ7 did for about the same number of viewers.

I cannot see how a translated version of Mr Ed, with English subtitles, is good value for money, while we're likely to lose 7, the platform for local content. Back Benches, Media 7, news every hour, excellent documentaries and a handful of other intelligent programmes that attracted an average monthly cumulative audience of 1.1 million last year. In December, it achieved a record 1.47 million viewers.
Okay, so it also runs the awful Shitland Street, but that's a recap and not typical of the 7 quality. Unfortunately that soap will survive when 7 falls.

Both these great channels are necessary and viewer numbers is not the sole aim of either.

Broadcasting Minister Jonathon Coleman, making less sense than Mr Ed, screwed up the figures earlier in the week saying TVNZ7 only had 200,000 viewers. He was quickly reigned in on that one.
I reckon the talking horse is making more sense than the government on this one.

Maybe Mr Ed should be the Broadcasting Minister. After all, he makes plenty of logical decisions, effectively governs from his stall and is obviously bi-lingual.

Death by dancing

A new sequel to the movie Dirty Dancing is likely, after four women and two men have been sentenced to death in northern Pakistan for singing and dancing at a wedding.

Here at RR we've also seen some pretty shocking dancing at weddings that should be punished.

Clerics issued a decree after a phone video showed six enjoying themselves in a remote village in the mountainous district of Kohistan, 176km north of the capital Islamabad. RR researchers say it's not far from Hesdancingbad.

RR sources say this sequel, Deadly Dancing, may again feature Patrick Swayze, since he's already dead so is ideal for the lead role, the character of Sheik Yabouti.

The soundtrack is likely to feature disco classics such as 'Stayin' Alive” (not working that well for the Beegees) 'You Should (Not) Be Dancing” and the Gloria Gaynor hits, 'I Will Survive” and 'Never Can Say Goodbye.” James Brown will chime in with 'Doing it to Death.” Donna Summer's 'Last Dance” will play over the credits.

Meanwhile the women involved are rumoured to be auditioning for the Paki version of the classic romantic black comedy, 'A Wedding and Four Funerals.”

Here in the West some of us have been trying unsuccessfully for years to have disco dancing declared an offence punishable by death, but with mixed success, although many old disco fanatics these days move like Death Warmed Up.

If Mr Minto had a shred of consistency he'd be suggesting we stop playing cricket with Pakistan till they stop executing wedding guests and people who have fun.

It is a strange world out there.