Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Following a recent piece on the absurd situation at our surf beaches, we've had quite a bit of feedback on the suggestion that poor swimmers and those without boards should wear lifejackets.
Not surprisingly, some readers viewed this as yet another insidious incursion of PC rule upon our lives.

Others got the point that it's crazy to legislate to require boaties to carry lifejackets in case they fall in the water, while those in the surf are certainly going to end up swimming, yet don't, by law, have to carry buoyancy.
Further to that, those swimmers who go into the surf, now routinely expect a lifesaver to pull them out when some of them (almost inevitably) end up in trouble.
A double whammy example of the absurdity came together this week in a 'perfect storm” when a stroppy surf lifesaver tried to rescue some surfers who didn't want, or expect, to be rescued.
It was fuelled by an equally stroppy surf instructor who'd had a previous 'encounter” with the over-zealous lifeguard.
Television showed footage of the Piha surfer paddling along then being dragged off his board by the IRB crewman – protesting all the way, then pulled back off the rescue boat by his irate surfing instructor.
Sounds like a great plot for a Two Ronnies or Benny Hill skit.
It also highlights the double standard – that boaties are legislated into carrying, and sometimes wearing flotation, while swimmers are not. Instead, we have people standing by to rescue them – and rescued they are. Hundreds a year.
Meanwhile surfers, mostly capable of keeping themselves out of trouble with the help of buoyant wetsuits and boards leashed to their legs, can have rescue foisted upon them by self-appointed do-gooders. It's time for a radical re-think of the surf culture.
It won't matter much soon though. Because the critics of the Marine and Coastal Areas legislation will have you believe the beaches will be closed.
It's hard to know who to believe here, but John Key tells me that the public are guaranteed free access and customary title can only be sought for areas which Maori have had exclusive access to since 1840.
To my mind, that rules out virtually all the New Zealand coast. Certainly I've kayaked most of it and landed on nearly every beach in the country, and so have many other boaties. Plus, since the development of Sealegs amphibians anyone can drive onto any beach and drive ashore unimpeded.
So either Mr Key is right and there's going to be a lot of disappointed Maori claimants – or Mr Key is wrong, and there is going to be civil war – and I know who would win.
So I've decided to stop worrying about it and suggest you do the same.

Meanwhile:
I went to the paint shop to buy a can of spray paint varnish. (It's for my sign on the beach saying: keep out white honkies). They have all the spray cans locked up these days, to control the sale to potential taggers.
However, I couldn't really see the point of locking up the varnish cans. After all, what sort of self respecting tagger would do graffiti in clear paint?
I tried to explain to the shop assistant (the idea of ‘assistance' was largely lost on her) that there wasn't much point in a tagger doing tags that no one could see.
Kind of defeats the purpose, don't you think?
She just looked at me as if I was stupid, or short of something to write in a newspaper column.

News in brief:
The guy who invented super glue died this week. There would have been more people singing at the funeral, but they couldn't open the song sheet and the organists fingers were stuck together.

Who's whippin' who?
Labour's whip has been embroiled in a so-called 'scandal” involving a young man, late at night, with some nudity involved and suggestions of dubious behaviour. No mention of the whip involved at this stage.

Fast track to service
Finally, from several discerning readers: 'The other day I needed to go to Middlemore A & E. Not wanting to sit for four hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a patch, that I had downloaded off the Internet, on to the top pocket of my jacket…
When I went into the A & E, I noticed that three quarters of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least three hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch (above). Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
It also is effective at Work & Income. It saved me five hours.
At Britomart, getting a seat on the train to Papakura, sweet as, almost had a whole carriage.
At the laundrette, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine – most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though. The whole crew got up and left and I never got my order.”