Dear Brian, My poor husband is feeling awfully depressed. I must admit I'm not feeling too cheerful myself. You see, having been away for a few days, we got home and immediately sat down together to read The Weekend Sun. And there, in the letters to the editor, a missive from Mr Ross Lloyd brought home to us the terrible truth about our – ahem – beneath-the-sheets dealings with each other.
You see, according to Mr Lloyd, all that lovely, mostly horizontal, stuff we've been up to for all these years has been bad, perverse, wrong, because I, a (usually) human woman, am not able to reproduce – never have been able to. So our torrid but fruitless tusslings, it seems, are disgusting, an abomination, a perversion.
Funny. We just thought we were expressing our great love for each other in the nicest possible way. We had no idea we were in fact Upsetting the Horses, Bringing Down the Fabric of Society and Contributing to the End of Civilisation As We Know It. So I'd like to take this opportunity to express our mortification and embarrassment and apologise to everyone out there reeling from the awful consequences of our unmentionable activities.
From this point we promise to do our best to stop using our human bodies wrongly and badly and rather use them rightly and well.
Now I come to think of it, what we were doing was a bit of all right and we did seem to do it rather well. And having done a wee bit of research, turns out that in virtually all animal species there are quite a percentage of our fellow creatures carrying on with these vile, unnatural non-reproductive couplings as well, which surely kinda means that this sort of activity must, in fact, be, well, um, natural then?
So maybe we should just decide it's no-one else's bloody business and carry on, along with all of the other reproduction-challenged couples of every species and every gender combination imaginable, expressing our love in the innocent and joyful way we do so well…
Um, sweeee-tie! Come over heeeere...oh, he's looking a lot more cheerful already!

Gillian Oakbrook, Welcome Bay.