I recently went to Australia to shoot some pictures. I had hoped to go to Norway to shoot some rare wildlife, also maybe club to death some harp seals and their last remaining Eurasian Otters, harpoon some endangered fin whales (before the Japs get there) and skewer a few rare polar bears before global melting finishes them off.

Of course, I would video all this to gloat to my friends on YouTube as part of our reciprocal hunting rights agreement with the Norwegians.
Alas, I never got further than Aussie. I did however, shoot a few photos.
I must say how friendly, cheerful and helpful we found everyone in Aussie. A stark contrast to the lemon-faced, deadpan, dis-interested or often rude attitudes endemic in Nuzzillun on our return. We've got a lot to learn from our Aussie cousins about good service if we hope to encourage more people to visit.
We quickly picked up the foreign language across the Tasman, which is remarkably similar to proper English as spoken in Nuzzillun, with the exception that every second word, including people's names, have either an 'o” or an 'ie” added to the end. This is a matey sort of colloquialism and was explained to me by friendly cabbie* Stevo*.
For your convenience, we've compiled a quick reference translation glossary of Aussie* words at the end of this column.
While over there, the Aussies were going troppo* about the arrival home of Jessica Watson, the young Sheila who sailed around the world. It was broadcast live everywhere and even upstaged the footie.*

Highlights
There were a few highlights, one being the discovery of a sign that said 'No pumping yabbies*.”
Now being from Nuzzillun, we have no idea what a yabbie* might be, or why you'd want to pump one. The mind boggles and probably the yabbie* too, at the thought of being pumped.
On another occasion, during a soak in a pool, it occurred to those present that there exists a promising retail market for boardies* that
a) either don't hold air pockets or
b) can silently and surreptitiously expel air.
This would save men the world over from embarrassing explanations as to why large amounts of gas erupt from their shorts when submerged.
Generally the trapped air escapes in billowing masses of bubbles from the boardie* wearer's nether regions – and leaves suspicion that either the person has indulged in one-too-many shrimp sandwiches or coldies* from the eskie* or, they're quietly pumping their yabbie.* Which, if that is the case, is no one else's bizzo.*
The solution of course is to wear speedos* which hold no air at all, and in fact very little of anything including the smuggled budgie.*
Another startling revelation about our trans Tasman cuzzies* was the discovery, at a local servo* that the blighters are paying a lot less for petrol than Nuzzilloners. And all that's about to get worse with the addition of extra GST on top of ours.
That's sure to be a topic of conversation around the barbie* one arvo.*

Glossary of Australian terms
Aussie: The informal name of a citizen of Australia; or the continent itself.
Barbie: Ken's missus. Often seen wearing a shrimp. Bizzo: mind your own.
Boardies: Swimming trunks which reach to the knees, as popularised by board riders.
Budgie: Polite term for whatever creature may be lurking in the speedos or the boardies.
Cabbie: A friendly sort of bloke who'll give you a lift in his car.
Cuzzies: Members of the extended family who have left the chilly homeland shores of Aotearoa and discovered the warmer climes and generous benefits available on the island to the west. A NZ export success story.
Dingo: A small harmless dog, often used for babysitting.
Eskie: Also known as Esky. An insulated container with a lid and handle for the stowage and temperature control of perishable food and beverage items. A term derogatory to Eskimos everywhere.
Fergie: (Term borrowed from the Pommies) The enterprising former wife of a member of the Royal family. Can get you an interview with anyone, including Lord Lucan, in return for a contribution to the Queen's grandchildren's education account and the Sarah Fergusson Lifestyle Retention Account.
Footie: Australian rules football, a bit like netball, but played on grass by burly Neanderthals. Don't tell them I said that. No evidence of any 'rules” just a lot of running and jostling. Most of them are offside but the ref does nothing.
Speedos: Impossibly small pieces of fabric often worn inappropriately by disgustingly old men.
Stevo: His mum affectionately calls him Stephen. His dad affectionately calls him once a month from maximum security at Townsville Correctional Centre.
Yabbie: A small shrimp/freshwater crayfish that lives on the mudflats and sometimes in board shorts.
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