Now I am serious about this and I have even asked the boss questions about which Sunday school I should attend – and no, not the one that involves drinking at 10 in the morning, as I have gone through life with the only religious belief in my body being the one that cries out for food, and how or who is going to feed me – now I have put a lot of thought into this.

I have come up with the idea that the group of zealots with the best laid table gets my attendance. All this 'Diesel gets religion” thing has come about because I have been told to clean up my act and that means no more smutty jokes, sexual innuendo, or references to the dark side.
That's right kiddos, I'm off out this afternoon to purchase a pair of Roman sandals, and a kaftan. I may need some help here as how the hell (ooops swear word, two more Hail Marys) would I know where to get this sort of clobber from.
Being the real deal
Now I reckon with my new dress sense and pure thoughts I will be the real deal Chocolate Crusader. But one thing I will draw the line on: the nails.
There is no way I want puncture marks in my sultry coat. What a cross to bear – I do hope that I will be able to keep up my new found inner peace.
Now someone who never has to worry about keeping it up (sorry I am new at this and cannot help myself) is Johnny my main man, the Aussie Butcher in Gate Pa.
He keeps his supply and quality standards up at all times and as I have said on numerous occasions, he has the best meat selection in town and his hams are worth being nailed for. So get along and see him and it is still not too late to get that ham or turkey for Christmas.

'Christmas Turkey'

Ingredients
4kg turkey
1 lemon, halved
85g softened, unsalted butter
1 large onion, halved
Olive oil
Stuffing of your choice

Method
Take the turkey out of the refrigerator two hours before you intend to cook it. Heat the oven to 180C. Make the stuffing.
Wash and pat dry the turkey, inside and out. Rub all over with lemon juice halves, squeezing the juice into its skin, then season. Once the stuffing is cool, loosen the bird's skin with your hands and pack the stuffing into the neck end, between the flesh and the skin towards the breast. Do not pack it too tight or it will burst. Secure the neck flap under the turkey's back with wooden cocktail sticks. Do not place any stuffing in the cavity, as this is currently thought to increase the risk of food poisoning. Instead, put the halved onion inside.
Place the turkey, breast side down (so the breast meat will be moist), onto a lightly oiled non-stick roasting tray. Melt the butter, then splash it all over the back and legs of the bird. Cover loosely with a sheet of foil to protect the back from burning.
Place in the oven and roast. To cook, allow 20 minutes per 450g, plus an extra 20 minutes. If the turkey weighs more than 6.75kg, allow 15 minutes per 450g, plus 15 minutes. Baste every 30-40 minutes.
Forty minutes before the bird is ready, take it out, turn it over and insert a meat thermometer into the thickest part of its body, between the thigh and body.
Return the bird to the oven, breast side up. Once 75C is reached on the thermometer, or the juices run clear from the thickest part of the thigh, the bird can be removed from the oven. Transfer to a warm serving dish, loosely cover with two sheets of foil and leave to rest while you make the gravy and finish the trimmings.
Turn up the oven to 200C to finish your vegetables and stuffing. Serve the turkey once you have everything ready.
Serves 8-10 people with leftovers.
Well my good disciples, that's it for me this week and I should have a few pictures next week of me in my new attire. Alrighty, I must be off for my morning bowl of tofu and meditation session.
See ya all.