Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Interesting that this week we've had some letters from readers seeking answers to their burning questions. So we've opened a new Agony Aunt Department to offer advice to our readers, yearning for answers.

Dear Auntie Roger: I recently was fired from my job as judge of a television music competition. I just can't cope with anyone less than exceptionally special, like me. Turns out, I might have ruined my career. What should I do now?
Free Willy.

Dear Free Willy: Please don't cry me a river. Best to try to reinvent yourself in the image of Joe Irvine. He's awesome right now, bro. Try to emulate his success.
Avoid associating with foul-mouthed women, with names rhyming with Genitalia.
Love, Auntie Roger.


Dear Auntie Roger: I recently visited Tauranga expecting to make quite an impression on the city but I was largely treated with distain. I don't seem to have made much impact.

Everywhere else I've been, people have been in awe and almost frightened. What have I done wrong to be treated so lightly?
Pam.

Dear Pam, We've seen the likes of you before. All huff and puff but no substance. You and your sister Gale. Next time, take the detour and keep on heading south.
We don't need destructive types like you around here.
Auntie Roger.


Dear Auntie Roger: I'm burning the candle at both ends. I'm working for a local authority during the day and moonlighting for a low-circulating news organisation by night. Trouble is, I'm supposed to be impartial when dealing with the media, but don't seem to be able to get it right. I think the leading news organisation in town is on to me. How do I convince my employers (at the council) that I'm an independent thinker and able to make balanced and fair decisions, while still having this blatant bias toward the other lot?
Currint Affairs.

Dear Currint, basically chap, you're screwed. You can't run with the hares and hunt with the hounds. And how did you get my address? Auntie Roger.


Dear Auntie Roger: I'm trying to win in a by-election, with the aim of becoming the only MP to have held a seat in every electorate in New Zealand. So far I have collected a few, but I'm finding the current one a bit hard to crack. Where am I going wrong? This is way harder than collecting stamps.
Win Stone.

Dear Mr Stone, we applaud your efforts to spread yourself around the nation so generously. In our experience, it works well to wangle an end to tolls across a local bridge, you'll be loved and revered for that. Also, try sticking to classy pinstripe suits, you'd be amazed how that will enhance your public perception. Lucky number 1st. Recommended colours: Black on White.
Auntie Roger.


Dear Auntie Roger
How come you have a whole lot of ‘Dear Auntie Roger' letters this week, when you've never mentioned the fact before that you will answer ‘Dear Auntie Roger' letters? Confused, Papamoa.

Dear Confused, Did I mention that I'm psychic? (And my wife is Claire Voyant) And that unless I could instantly produce a ‘Dear Auntie Roger' column I would have to go to yoga class, again?
Auntie Roger.

Odd names department:

The North American Seafood Excellence Awards have just been announced. Ordinarily this wouldn't make news in RR. Except the press release came from Jon Bass.
He must be some relation of Billy Bass, who hangs on the wall and sings 'take me to the river”.(See disclaimer below)

Meanwhile, the new celebrity spokesman in the USA for eggs, is Kevin Bacon. 'Wake up to eggs and Bacon” is the new slogan for the American Egg Marketing Board. Search the slogan on YouTube to see a quirky video hatched by the marketers.

Parting shot:

A furore broke out when ‘The X Factor' judge Willie Moon reportedly used the C word while having a verbal exchange with a woman. Here at RR we are not surprised Mr Moon has resorted to name calling, using a crude term describing human genitalia. After all, he's been called a Willie all his life.

Joke of the Week:

What do you call a cow in Texas with
no legs? A ranch slider.