It's one of those weeks when column writing comes hard.

The sea beckons. There's a thousand other things I'd rather be doing than sitting here writing this for you, most discerning and deserving readers. There are fish lines to cast and breezes to catch. There's wine to drink and fresh country air to breathe.
Still, life could be worse. Once this is over, I get to run and play in the Bay's stunning natural environment, right on our doorstep.
Yep, it could be worse.
For instance, spare a thought for the New York guy (41) who recently decided to track down his birth mother, only to find that he was the child of a 1968 drug-fuelled orgy rape by crazed multiple murderer Charles Manson.
The guy was devastated. He's reported to have said, 'It's like finding out your father was Adolf Hitler.”
Yep, it could be worse.
You could be any one of the New Zealand 'entertainers” under suspicion, after one has had permanent name suppression after being found guilty of an indecent assault.
The Prime Minister knows who. It seems half of New Zealand knows who. It's not reasonable that this person has celebrity protection, which in effect casts a shadow of doubt on all NZ entertainers.
I'd like to know, so I can stop suspecting some of my favourite Kiwi entertainers. It is unreasonable for the rest of them to be taking the rap.

Staple diet
The Maori party's illustrious leaders, again prove their inability to lead by example. Tariana Turia has shown that you don't need commitment to lose weight, just get your stomach stapled. I'm sure that does nothing to encourage any of the race she purports to lead, which is over-represented in obesity statistics, to actually help themselves.
And while they're at it, take the staple gun to a couple of other party politicians. The country would benefit from Hone Harawira having his mouth stapled.

Changes in the wind
Then there's the climate. Yes, it may be changing.
But guess what? It's always been changing. It will keep on changing, till the day the planet explodes.
Sure, humans have treated the planet badly. And that needs addressing. But not on the basis of man-induced global warming.
We need to clean our act up to reduce all pollution, get over this obsession with CO2 and conserve fossil fuels. Why? Not because of the fallacy of human induced greenhouse effect; but because fossil fuels are dirty, unsustainable and inefficient. Eventually oil will run out – at least the easy to get stuff.
This week the tide turned on the global warming argument when leaked emails show some of those in the Alarmist Brigade have been colluding on a giant, worldwide scam to tax us with their carbon ripoff. The phrase 'Hide the Decline” will soon become as infamous as Watergate, One Giant Step, and the Blue Dress.

On the Rann tan
Local golfer, (we'll call him 'Charles”) says he and his golfing buddies have been following the story of Australian premier Michael Rann who is accused of sex romps with a barmaid, in his office and on the road to the golf course.
Charles and his golfing friends want to know: Did he put his card in?
They also suggest it was only stroke play.
We could go on, Charles, but the less said about Rann getting his putter out, the better.

Harbour helpers
Weeks ago, this column suggested that the 'out of work” folk who are being paid to do nothing by the state could, perhaps, as a gesture of appreciation to the community that supports them, do something useful. Such as get organised and pick up sea lettuce.
Predictably, there was not a stampede of dole recipients.
Paradoxically (a French word meaning 'we can blow up a ship in your harbour anytime but you better not try it in ours”) there was a huge response from a whole lot of do-gooders who just couldn't wait to help.
This of course proves my point that society is made up of two sorts of people:
1. The ones who do all the work and pay all the tax for the privilege.
2. The ones who do none of the work and expect a free ride.
We've pointed the few good volunteers (none of them on the unemployment benefit, for the record) in the direction of the council to offer their voluntary assistance. Thanks for being so civil-minded and finding the time to volunteer, despite your busy schedules of work and family commitments.

Finally, this from keen reader Phillip. The authenticity is dubious, but it's a damned good story nevertheless.
Frozen carburettor: In the fun world of the administration of NZ Justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place. For example:
On a bitterly cold winter's day on the Desert Rd a policeman on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. 'What's the matter?” asked the constable.
'Carburettor's frozen,” was the terse reply.
'Pee on it. That'll thaw it out.”
'Can't.”
'OK, watch me and I will show you.”
The constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the Waiouru office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: 'On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded...”