Disturbing news this week from the frontlines of Politically Correct insidiousness: There are reports that preschool establishments are motherf***ing with our nursery rhymes.

Ironic, even, that this news comes hard on the heels of one of the worst cases of racial bigotry New Zealand has ever seen, the Harawira Outbursts, as covered last week. We've had an amazing response to last week's column, thanks for your many messages.
So the timing of this latest news is quite bizarre; that some kindergarten and preschool teachers are messing with our time-honoured nursery rhymes – a sort of creeping PC neutering. So it's alright for a politician to insult an entire nation with racially-inflammatory rantings, yet historically-significant folklore is ripped apart at the seams because some feel a little queasy with the flaws of their chequered ancestry.
Nursery rhymes are nearly all subtle references to political events from the past, and all jokes aside, are an important part of European heritage; just as significant as Maui fishing up the North Island; the Chinese New Year or any other treasured ethnic ritual or observation. To mess with them is sacrilege.
That's right, the last remnants of our rape and pillage white heritage are being plucked from the record books because a bunch of radical, do-goody, sandal-and-cardigan wearing, tofu-munching effeminates of dubious sexual orientation have kidnapped the minds of our children and grandchildren.
It was bad enough that Golliwog's proud African ancestry was smudged from pure black to more socially-acceptable shades of beige.
Now, according to Granny Herald, Baa Baa Black Sheep is coming under racial protectionist control and even Thomas the Tank Engine's Fat Controller is up for censorship.
Here at RR Headquarters, where we still call a spade a spade, we can understand that we should no longer chant the word ‘nigger' in 'Eeny Meeny Miny Mo” and some young children are being told the word ‘finger' instead. RR believes this is just silly and children will quickly see through the nonsense of a finger having a toe. Besides, instead of the word nigger, these days the description 'homie” is much more appropriate.
But the Black Sheep? Where will the nonsense end? Reports of kindergartens changing it to 'white sheep” is just as racially separatist as 'black sheep.”
Do we therefore need to rewrite the whole Baa Baa rhyme to remove every possible offensive connotation?
Clearly then, we cannot have Baa Baa as this repetition of words will upset those with speech impediments such as stutters.
'Have you any wool” is far too direct and threatening and could be misconstrued as demanding with menace. It also discriminates against those producers of alternative fibres. This line will have to read:
'May I enquire whether you have available any natural or synthetic fibres of a resilient nature for trade purposes?”
Then the next line, 'Yes Sir, Yes Sir, three bags full” is clearly sexist. The 'sir” implies not only a specific gender, but smacks of patriarchal colonial cronyism. Also, the 'bags” is derogatory to old women everywhere. Further, there is no guarantee that the bags will in fact still be full, after processing, packaging, warehousing and transportation. Or that it is indeed pure wool.
It must now read, 'Affirmative, enquiring person of no particular gender, three generic units of natural fibre product with highly insulative properties. Some settling may occur. May contain traces of nuts.”
Then we get into some really dangerous waters with the lines:
'One for the master, one for the dame, and one for the little boy who lives down the lane.”
Already, according to reliable sources, the 'little boy” is sometimes changed to 'little girl” to make it fair. But doesn't this merely discriminate against big boys and big girls?
Well why stop there. Apart from the clearly sexist divisions in this phrase, there is the question of payment.
Are these bags of wool being given freely or is it part of some under-the-counter deal? Does the IRD know about this? What about the tax and GST implications. The 'cashie” wool trade is a serious offence.
And what exactly is the dame expected to do in return for her 'free” bag of wool? This sounds dodgy, it could be interpreted as some sort of ‘produce-for-sex' scandal… and let's not even contemplate the sexual deviances that can be associated with sheep.
Is that lanolin on your hands or are you just pleased to see me?
Next week: We probe exactly what Jack did to Jill up the hill and whether charges will be laid. Did he fall or was he pushed? Is a defence of provocation likely?
Three Blind Mice are taking their case for compensation to the High Court and OSH are investigating whether the Farmer's Wife was qualified to use the carving knife.
Fisheries Officers are measuring the cockle shells in Contrary Mary's garden and building a case against her for shellfish poaching and gathering excessive quantities without a customary rights permit.
There's a report on Humpty Dumpty's stomach stapling operation and his lawsuit against the wall builders.
Plus, an in-depth examination of Rosie's Ring-A-Ring and ponder the future of Mulberry's Bush, and answer the question: Do they sing it in Brazil?