Warning: this column contains asterisks between the Fs and the Ks and nothing between the SH and the IT

Hi there, it's your favourite pale-face mofo here with another column.
Actually you're lucky to be reading this, it nearly didn't happen. I was so busy ripping off the natives and raping the land, the column nearly didn't get done.
But hey, it doesn't take too long to spin out a bit of white man's bullshit, eh Hone?
Sorry about the poor choice of language in this column, but I don't apologise for the sentiment.
You'd better read quick, I can't stay long, have to take my partner on a series of all-expenses paid round the world holidays, courtesy of the taxpayer. Of course, we abhor that sort of frivolous abuse of public office, but will frivolously abuse the privilege just the same, eh Rodney?
Both these corrupt, hypocritical tax sucking leeches must have thought it was Christmas, getting free travel for them and the missus to romp around the world sightseeing, on the pretext of working for New Zealanders. While being paid by New Zealanders.
It's all blown up in the same week that NZ Post has announced that Santa is calling for letters from New Zealanders with their Christmas wish list.
Because Hone and Rodney are so busy travelling and spending our tax on them and their floozies, we've prepared their Santa letters for them:

Rodney's letter
Dear Santa –
I've been really good this year, apart from dropping my partner on the dance floor. I've worked really hard to stop MPs from milking the system and cheating us with their perks. I myself would never do that. Apart from that one little trip. And the other little trip.
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. Actually, 15 new teeth, by endorsing a product. So it might mean a weeny bit of abuse of my parliamentary position, but that's neither here nor there.
Sincerely but not necessarily faithfully, Rodney.

Hone's letter
Dear Santa – I really deserve some cool presents. I've been a good boy all year. Well, apart from that time that I was supposed to be at an important meeting, told the boss I was sick, then skived off to Paris.
It was a misunderstanding. The boss thought I said, ‘I have to make a quick trip to the loo.' In fact, I meant the ‘Louvre.'
Then there was the time that I called the white people in New Zealand ‘motherf**kers'. I think that was taken out of context. What I meant was ‘mean, conniving, racist, land-grabbing, evil, puritanical, white honky motherf***ers who should be lined up against a wall and shot.'
And I suppose I did lie when I said I was sick, when in fact, I was tripping to the Eiffel Tower. And my choice of language was unfortunate and I'm sorry for that. But not the sentiment.
And yes I did suggest that the Leader of the Opposition should be executed by firing squad. And that may be considered to be inciting violence and bloodshed against my fellow MPs.
So apart from turning back the progress of race relations by a century, advocating treason, threatening to kill, political assassination, squandering of taxpayers' money, lying, cheating, and escalating racial tension … I've been really good.
So for Christmas I don't want much, just the whole of the NZ foreshore and seabed. Not only for me. I want it for my select race, and not for all those other motherf**kers.
Love and peace, Hone.

Remember Cheeky Darky?
One thing is for sure: If a ‘white' person had said the outstandingly racist and abusive comments that Hone is spouting, they'd be vilified; maybe even beaten by a bunch of thugs with baseball bats – like Hone and his mates did to university students in 1979 for their racist behaviour.
If a non-Maori MP had said it, they'd be gone by lunchtime. Career over.
Remember the fuss when Paul Holmes coined the phrase 'Cheeky Darky.”
Pretty mild considering Hone's outbursts.
It is an outrage.
Meanwhile, some media reports say that the furore over MP travel perks is causing stress for their partners.
I'm sure they weren't feeling particularly stressed while travelling at our expense to destinations many of us only dream about. Stressing? So they bloody should. If you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas.
And whatever happened to the good spouse whose role should be to question the morality of accepting such extravagant benefits?
Do they have no pride?
What was Hilda thinking? Did she stand up and say, 'Oh no Hone, you mustn't abuse your parliamentary privilege and rip off the taxpayer by taking me to Paris when you are supposed to be in Brussels.”
And the lovely Louise, did she ever question the fundamental rights and wrongs of accepting a free trip at our expense? Or was she too swept away by the Perk Buster who was clearly more focused on perky busts?
Remember that famous saying:
'Behind every great man is a great woman… carrying the passports.”