Apologies to all the French sportsmen I might have unknowingly mugged on the streets this week and to Michael Jackson fans out there, who are understandably upset at his passing… and will be more upset after this column. If you are one of those, don't read further.

Of all the people I've mingled with this week, probably one out of a hundred was sad.
The rest of you heartless cynics seem mildly amused by it all. It could be that I only mix with heartless, cynical types, or it could be that a lot of us really didn't give the unfortunate fruitcake much credence.
And speaking of child abuse, debate is raging over the smacking law referendum and whether we should have it or not. Perhaps we should have a referendum on whether to have a referendum.
But enough of smacko. Back to Wacko. There have been bizarre headlines since the so-called King of Pop popped one too many and popped off.
'Jackson feared he'd end up like Elvis” proclaimed one. Bad news for you, Michael. That's the way we are all going to end up. Pretty well dead.
Unless you're like Elvis, who merely faked his. As we all know, he's alive and well, living in Maketu and works part time at a Te Puke hamburger bar.

Death exaggerated
Spare a thought for Hollywood star Jeff Goldblum. Twice now he's been reported dead but at time of the going to press, was still alive. He's been the target of a repeated internet hoax, which claims he's fallen to his death in New Zealand while filming a movie. At least he hasn't been mugged in Wellington.
A journalist friend working in the Pacific a couple of years ago was a little surprised to read of his own murder – in the opposition paper. It seemed to be their idea of a joke.
My editor friend responded in his paper with the classic line ‘reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated'.
He's now alive and well and living in Whakatane. Not far from Elvis.

Safe sex at school
Meanwhile, controversy is raging at a small New Zealand school, after five and six year old pupils were allegedly instructed to pick up used condoms while on litter duty in the school grounds.
Teachers deny the instruction was given, while some parents and (now resigned) members of the trustee board believe the kids' version of events.
However there is a silver lining, or should that be a latex lining, to this.
At least we know the education campaign is working and children at school are having safe sex.

French letters
While on the subject of French letters, New Zealand received one this week from the French Prime Minister, apologising for Mathieu Bastareaud's fictitious beating in the streets of Wellington; which soiled New Zealand's reputation as a safe and friendly tourist destination.
It was also reported this week that Bastareaud was seeing a psychologist and had attempted suicide by jumping from a Paris bridge into a river.
Some said he was insane, but it turns out, he was in Seine.

www.sunlive.co.nz
In other news, we have to mention SunLive.
It's great to see so many people clicking in and registering for news at the rate of hundreds a day.
We know of many who are also making SunLive their homepage.
That's great news, literally.
The website news and the daily email alerts have been first with all the Bay's breaking news stories, well ahead of any other media and much more up to date… and accurate. When the situation changes, we tell you. Not the next day, but in a flash.

Hype-free zone
It's also balanced and accurate, without the hype and sensationalism typical of some media.
The site is improving all the time. Your input is welcome – news tips, photographs or feedback.
Call us 0800SUNLIVE and check out the site, www.sunlive.co.nz

For all you outraged Jackson fans, complain here: brian@thesun.co.nz
Remember to include your CYF case number and the name of your psychiatrist/counsellor.

Parting shot
This week's final word is from astute reader Denyse, who asks:
So what have we learned in two millennia?

'The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.”
- Cicero, 55 BC

Evidently, nothing.