Ady Breeds Eating with Ady www.sunlive.co.nz

So it begins; some people are taking pot shots at me and questioning my intelligence, even sending a death threat over my swan comments.

My reply to you is if you want a piece of me, bring it on!

The boss and I spend a lot of our time on the harbour kayaking and fishing, for pure recreation and the harbour is for all to enjoy. It's being ravaged by a plague of these black varmints that need to be dealt to. I wasn't part of the swan drive, but commend those who made the effort to reduce the scourge and put some fresh game on the table at the same time.

As this column is mostly satirical – and written in a light-hearted manner; if you can un-clench your arms from around the tree you are hanging onto to write letters – either improve your aim or bugger off back to where you came from.

To intentionally put yourself in the middle of a sanctioned 'swan drive”, is like playing marbles on the motorway — just bloody stupid. The reason the drive is done in Bluegum Bay is to keep the process away from those whingers who may be offended. Not much point if those people then go out of their way to get in the middle of it.

Now I am all for everyone being able to voice their opinion, as this country is supposed to be a democratic one, but since you question my integrity, I have to say that just because you won the war, does not mean you have to fire salvos at this German bitch.

Your so-called facts are far from the truth.

Fact 1 – the swan shoot is a sanctioned event run with support of the airport authority, DOC, regional council and MAF. Swans in the harbour pose a serious aircraft navigation threat. Not only do they reside in the upper harbour, but often frequent the landing area of the Tauranga Airport.

If I was a pilot about to land, I sure would not want a 20kg poo machine smashing through my front window or through the props.

Concern for safety

Mr McKernon should be more concerned for the safety of his fellow man (and potential homestay guests) arriving and departing from the airport via the threat of bird strike.

Fact 2 – at the last swan census, there were 5000 of these introduced birds on the Tauranga harbour. The cull only managed to get rid of 130, that still leaves quite a few.

Fact 3 – Dear Phil declares swans are monogamous. What has the morals or marital arrangements of swans got to do with their status as a pest?

In fact, even this wacky irrelevance is not strictly true; as research shows the filthy little buggers regularly swan around with other partners (wife swapping) and also apparently one in four swans are homosexual. That's right – a quarter are great flying, feather pillow-biters. That puts a whole new inference on the 'swan dive.”

As I said though, not that the swans' sexual deviances should matter. But some of the swan huggers seem to think the mating arrangements of these pests seems to bestow some sort of magical importance upon a species that is nothing more than an airborne ecological disaster.

Fact 4 – the poo problem. This is an environmental issue. Take a gander at Hamilton Lake, the cesspit from hell. Nothing apart from the creep from the deep and a few thousand eels can survive in it – and as such it is dying and becoming a stinking horrible eyesore. We fish, boat and kayak on the harbour and have seen the increasing degradation over many decades, obviously partly attributable to swans.

Off the hook

You newcomers to the area, and NZ, will not have experienced this. Yes, farm and urban runoff contribute too, and yes, those issues need urgent attention. But that doesn't let the swans off the hook.

Fact 5 – swans are decimating the seagrass, which is a prime breeding ground and habitat for snapper, flounder and many other species. Some days the beaches are awash with the ripped out remains of seagrass that has been uprooted and ravaged by thousands of these relentless processing machines.

What we see is an insidious depletion of another natural food source and upsetting the natural balance of the harbour biodiversity.

Plus a huge loss for fishers.

AMEN, here endith the lesson.

How to Roast a Swan:
A recipe from 1845.

Pluck like a chicken or goose, scald, or boil; spit, skewer in four places, and roast with all its feet and beak, and leave the head unplucked; and eat with yellow pepper.

Accompany the meal with a nice glass of Bird in Hand 2009 Shiraz, or even while the swan is slowly cooking on the spit.

We have a long weekend with the Queen's Birthday. Which one, I wonder? Elizabeth, Freddy Mercury or Georgina Beyer? It does not really matter, as I am off duck/goose/swan shooting with the boss and the apprentice boy. We are responsible and are going to have a little fun in the fresh air and rid the harbour of a damned nuisance at the same time. So see ya all next week.