Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Child discipline has come up for much debate this week as the government unveils plans for a military-style boot camp for youth offenders.

That's a great idea; finally a government with the guts to tackle the problem.

It has brought a plethora of comment – it seems everyone has good ideas on how to reign in the unruly; except the parents of the unruly who don't seem to give a damn.

Maybe they should be shipped off to Parent Boot Camp as well.

But then everyone thinks they know best. Including me. Much has changed since I was involved in the upbringing of children.

House of Paine

Apparently you're not allowed to use any physical persuasion any more.

Not even a teeny, tiny slap. Mind you, I suddenly became cautious of dishing out any punishment after one of my offspring qualified as a Black Belt.

I then found it safer to focus on running.

Which reminds me of the day my mother chased me around the house at Paine St.

That day could have started in Paine and ended in pain. However the notion that my mother could catch me anytime she needed was an effective deterrent. She did catch me, but years later confessed she knew she had to. She couldn't lose to a conceited little brat who thought he could outrun the law.

My version of the story is: I was laughing too much to run properly.

So what to do if you manage to chase the little delights down? There are some very creative ideas here for disciplining your offspring. Remember, these are not good ideas.

We've highlighted them here purely for entertainment purposes.

Do not try this at home.

Basement ruled out

Uncle Jo Fritzl's lesson from a few years ago makes it clear that you're not allowed to lock them, or anyone for that matter, in your basement.

We've threatened to connect kids to the dog containment electric fence system, but I doubt that is legal either.

Apparently you can't keep any members of the family in the boot of the car, either, after some shocking cases in recent years.

But as far as I know, it's not illegal to lick your children as punishment. This was the subject of a RR column several years ago, when it was revealed by good friends of ours, we'll call them Tina and Steve, that a maternal face-licking was most effective in discouraging bad behaviour. I don't think they were particularly happy about me mentioning their technique in a newspaper circulating to every home in the western Bay of Plenty, 66,000 copies going to the homes of 150,000 residents.

I guess it won't help mentioning it again, but it's just such a good story.

It would be good to scientifically trial this licking technique on a sample of local children, but a lifetime ban from Memorial Park playground wouldn't be a good look.

Nevertheless, I think Tina should send her ideas to Bill English, maybe they can incorporate face-licking torture into the boot camp discipline.

Deterrent value

Some critics of the boot camp scheme say that sending 50 of the worst brats won't come close to dealing with the problem.

However, seeing those 50 shipped off for a bit of hard-core discipline might make some of the thousands of other little toe rags think twice about being anti-social, law-breaking goons.

Chef torture

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver disciplines his children by torturing them with chilli.

He's admitted feeding the brats chilli-coated apple as a punishment.

'It is not very popular, beating kids any more, it's not very fashionable and you are not allowed to do it and if you are a celebrity chef like me it does not look very good in the paper. So you need a few options,” he joked to ‘The Daily Mail'.

Similar punishment across the Atlantic is known as ‘hot-saucing' according to Wikipedia.

Giving a misbehaving child a dose of hot sauce in the mouth is apparently discouraged by paediatricians, psychologists and childcare experts, but it is popular with some parents in the US.

Kneeling punishment

Some bizarre school punishments include pupils being forced to kneel on frozen peas for a long period of time. Some Asian schools are known to force students to kneel on frozen corn or rice. The punishment leaves indentations on their skin.

Other child torture by parents includes forcing them to kneel on hot concrete and cheese graters. Some caring and thoughtful grandparents in Florida recently made their grandson kneel for nine hours straight, 10 days in a row.

Also in Florida, some students were forced to wear the Cone of Shame, a plastic dog collar designed to stop pooches from licking their wounds.

The Charles Sumner Elementary School in New Jersey is reported to have forced fifth graders to eat their lunch off the floor as punishment for a student spilling a jug of water while refilling a cooler.

Burning question

Well, at least they didn't burn the kids at the stake as an offering to the gods, or marry them off to ruthless kings.

It's true, this still happens. I saw it recently on that long-running documentary series, ‘Game of Thrones'.

You'd think Trump would have more to worry about than North Korea or Mexico. He should be doing his best to build a wall on the border with Westeros.

Parting thought

Before your criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.