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Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz |
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I can't leave you guys in charge of anything for two minutes. No sooner had RR taken a few days R&R, when all breaks loose back here.
You lose the cricket to Australia. Then you lose the Prime Minister. Crate Day goes badly. (Or according to plan, depending on your expected outcome of Crate Day.) On top of all that, you still haven't found Harry or Winston the dogs and fireworks continue to be the bane of civilised society. Really people, you've only got a few weeks of the year left, so I suggest you pull your act together and clean the place up. If nothing else, bring home Harry and Winston for Christmas. You've also been a let-down in the ratings for worldwide notoriety while improving the quality of human genetics. New Zealanders are failing miserably in the rankings of death and injury due to stupidity.
Cancelled parties
The year's Darwin Awards, dished out to those who have removed themselves from the gene pool in the most spectacular and stupid methods, do not feature any Kiwis, despite our 'can-do” approach and 'she'll be right” attitude. It won't be helped by new statistics that indicate a third of NZ businesses have cancelled their Christmas parties, which traditionally have been a seed bed for idiotic acts, resulting in pain and death. Presumably that is the aim of the Health and Safety Act, which is taking the blame for Christmas being cancelled. It seems employers could be held responsible for any transport accidents, dance floor mishaps and other mayhem at parties in which alcohol and festive spirit are mixed.
Burgle bungle 
But despite NZ dragging its commitment to the Darwin Awards, the list of recipients make great reading, according to rampant RR fan, Keith. Some of his favourite nominees are: Santiago Alvarado, a burglar, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2am. (Presumably after the work Christmas party?) So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed. The UK's Metro reports that Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet decided to send out a letter bomb in 2000. Not being the brightest of sparks he forgot to put enough postage stamps on the letter, meaning it came back to the ‘return to sender' address. Khay was so happy to receive some post that he ripped it open. His career in terrorism ended there.Outgunned: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into a firearms store, intent on robbing. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. Paramedics pronounced the robber dead at the scene. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
Footloose fool
Kerry Bingham earned an honourable mention: He had been drinking with several friends when they decided it was a great idea to bungee jump from a local bridge at 4.30 in the morning. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, found a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet, the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
Safety messages
So there you go people. Be careful out there. Have a read of the safety messages on page 14, for some sound advice on surviving happily through the festive season. Unless, of course, you are of low genetic value to the human race. Anyone who reads this column is clearly of high value, so you take care. But the rest? All I can say is please take selfies as you bungee jump, experiment with dynamite, and open your Christmas card surprises. You may as well provide some entertainment for the rest of us, as you make a positive contribution to the gene pool.
