I knew there was something wrong with this election.

No, not Dirty Politics or GCSB spying, or capital gains taxes that no one can explain or quickly-forgotten ministerial resignations, or any of those peripheral matters. What's wrong with this election is that nobody has a decent theme song.

It breaks my heart. Once upon a time you could count on parties having symbolic anthems, just like in the States. After all, what would Bill Clinton have been without ‘Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow'?

But here there is a deafening musical silence. So, since the actual political parties are apparently too busy to musically brand themselves, we - myself, three cats and an anaemic guinea pig - thought we'd pick songs for them.

DISCLAIMER: in case the column accidentally strays from the rigorously neutral political stance it scrupulously maintains, let me just say right up front: I'm Winston Watusi and I approve this message. I don't know what the message is, but I approve.

ACT leader Jamie Whyte announced his inauguration by declaring incest shouldn't be illegal. Then he reassured people that it wasn't the party's line, just his own view. Which was somehow less than reassuring. Perhaps ‘Love the One You're With' might have been good. And with his call to arm shopkeepers, how about Wilko Johnson's ‘Everybody's Carrying a Gun'? Of course, this is ACT we're talking about, so eventually they'll revert to that perennial favourite ‘Money Makes the World Go Round'.

The Maori Party haven't been having the happiest of times, some even suggesting they might end up with no MPs at all. Then Winston refused to work with them. Then Labour refused to work with them. And while the sweet strains of ‘Pokarekare Ana' never go amiss, it looks like this election is a cast iron case of ‘Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out'.

United Future eh? Poor Peter Dunne. Despite hair rivalling Donald Trump and a brave bow-tie fixation, Peter Dunne has always had the personality of a Madam Tussaud's waxwork, only without the warmth and charisma. Facing yet another term as his party's sole MP we offer the comfort of Harry Nilsson's ‘One is the Loneliest Number'.

The Conservative Party are a surprise. Who would have imagined two separate parties founded by millionaires trying to buy their way into parliament at the same election? Kim or Colin? Can they share ‘Money Makes the World Go Round'? It's a hard call. Going on those scary early billboards, Talking Heads' ‘Psycho Killer' seemed most appropriate for Colin Craig. Now he's changed them to the 'happy” billboards. Perhaps ‘Who's Smiling Now'?

Mana Internet. Can they have separate songs? Please... That way Internet's enormous benefactor can share ‘Money...' with the Conservatives and Mana can have ‘Poi E'. Why? Because I want to see Hone Harawira dance to it. He often seems very serious (and a little bit cross) so he probably needs a good dance. Yeah! Bust a few moves Hone! Or like Bret in Flight of the Conchords he could do an 'angry dance”. I'd pay to see that...

And what about Winston? Well, Danny Kaye had a song called ‘The King's New Clothes'. It went: 'Look at the cut, the style, the line! The suit of clothes is all together, but all together it's all together, the most remarkable suit of clothes that I have ever seen”. Though I seem to remember there was some sort of catch...

In the old days The Greens were a bit of a joke and would have been represented by ‘Wildwood Weed' or ‘Puff the Magic Dragon', but no more. They're now a sensible mature organisation, poised and ready for power. They've barely put a foot wrong this campaign. Unfortunately for them, their potential coalition partners seem to be hell-bent on buggering things up. Once again for the Greens it looks like a case of ‘You'll Always Find Me in the Kitchen at Parties'.

The National Party don't need a song. They don't need anything. People just keep supporting them. At the start of the campaign it looked like it was going to be ‘Snoopy vs The Red Baron', with a certain tall German playing the Baron. Or perhaps ‘I Spy For the FBI' would have been appropriate. In the end the default musical setting is ‘Can't Touch This'.

...and Labour. ‘I've been Down So Long that it Looks Like Up To Me'. No. Let's be kind. How about ‘Always Look on the Bright Side'. Why? Why not?