Ho ho ho! Clearly this is The Christmas Column. Well it will be shortly. I've got music and drinks suggestions for Christmas. But, before that, I wanted to share some distressing horticultural news…

Because, dammit, I've become the victim of a Christmas con, and all because I wanted to make the Watusi Country Club a little more festive. I bought plants. And not just any plants. What makes the mansion look a bit more Christmassy? Christmas plants. Specifically, those lovely red-leafed poinsettias that crowd the garden centres every December.

Full disclosure: This was two years ago. I decked the house with the beautiful crimson foliage of many poinsettias. Sure enough, they were red and vibrant. Then, not long afterwards, they reverted to a rather dull green colour, like any other plant. Come last Christmas I waited in vain for the reappearance of those red leaves. Nothing. This year? Again nothing.

Christmas plants

So I checked it out, got the good oil (or in this case very annoying oil) from a horticulturist mate. Yes, they're Christmas plants. In England. They go red in winter there, when it's cold. Here, apparently, a bunch of Auckland growers put New Zealand's poinsettias in big coolstores so they can unleash their glorious red blooms just in time for the festivities. And that's yer lot. You just bought a dull green plant that will remain dull and green for the rest of its life. Nagdarnit!

Moving along, here's some Christmas music. Not Christmas music you understand. No, these are just things that I kinda dig; things to sprinkle the overwhelming musical mood of cheerful carols with a little curmudgeonly spice – old-timey music, depressing music, cynical music...

Dial it up through the online platform of your choice and allow these soothingly unfestive sounds to wash over you.

This year the theme is ‘Old, new, borrowed and blue'. That sounds pretty Christmassy.
Old? Warren Zevon's album ‘Life'll Kill Ya'. One of rock music's truly untameable forces, this is Mr Zevon's finest hour, a perverted noir-drenched meditation on life and death, filled with great catchy songs, jaw-dropping lyrics and brilliantly humorous left-field observations on the human condition. ‘Porcelain Monkey' is about Elvis; and ‘Don't Let Us Get Sick' is one of his most beautiful love songs. As he sings on the title track: 'Life'll kill ya/That's what I said/Life'll kill ya/And then you'll be dead/Life'll find ya/Wherever you go/ Requiescat in pace/That's all she wrote.”

New? Hugh Laurie – ‘Didn't It Rain'. Even I'm surprised by this. I hated Hugh Laurie's first album. But this time he knocks it out of the park, mainly by taking more of a back seat and allowing his superb collaborators to come to the fore. Backing cats The Copper Bottom Band are wonderful throughout, as are guest vocal spots from Guatemalan singer Gaby Moreno, a soulful Jean McClain and the always excellent Taj Mahal. From more obvious tunes ‘St Louis Blues' to delightful tangos, this is a gem.

Quick festive drink?

Borrowed? A friend lent me a double CD by Big John Baldry. Turned out to be a bootleg I can't trace. But it reminded me of what a wonderfully unique talent Long John was. I'm going to listen to a bunch of Baldry on Christmas day. Pretty much everything of his makes me feel good.

Blue? Something blue has to be Lucinda Williams – the bluest country singer ever born – and her latest epic double album ‘Down Where the Spirit Meets the Bone'. That cracked sandpaper voice, those rip-yer-heart-out words; those tunes that burrow slyly into your brain: Yes, I like Lucinda a lot.

So that's music. A quick Christmas drink? This year I suggest sparkling wine. It's cheap, it's good and you can add all sorts of stuff to it. Try adding a little Cassis (blackberry nip) for a Kir Royale; or peach puree for a Bellini (some people use peach schnapps for ease); or orange juice (freshly squeezed) for a Mimosa. My favourite is elderflower cordial and a squeeze of lemon, but it doesn't have a name. Call it a Watusi and enjoy a fantastic Christmas!