Paralysis by boredom

Brian Rogers
Rogers Rabbits

An interesting item that didn’t make the headlines this week – probably swept aside by the shocking national shortage of Marmite (yawn) – is that the NZ Army is to host a seminar on ‘Non-Lethal Weapons’.

This took a while to get my head around, since I thought the whole idea of the army was to kill bad guys. Now it seems, there are times when they’d like to just hurt them a bit.

They say that non-lethal, or “less lethal” systems as they are known in New Zealand, are weapons and devices designed to incapacitate a target while minimising fatalities or permanent injury.
RR researchers have done a large amount of investigation on this topic and we have eight special techniques for the army on ways of incapacitating people.

1. We recommend they talk to David Shearer’s speech writer, who has the ability to bore people on a wide scale ranging from ‘mild discomfort’ to ‘near death’ with just a microphone. There are unconfirmed reports from our contacts in Hollywood that Shearer has ousted Mel Gibson in the latest in the movie series, “Non-Lethal Weapon 6: The politically correct movie.” We’ve voted Jacinda into the partner role, if only because she looks good on the cover. Watch for the special cameo appearance by Nick Smith, doing all his own stunts, when he shoots himself in the foot.

2. Double Happy sausage rolls from the lovely folk at Bethlehem Bakery and the paua fritters from the fish shop on Dive Crescent. Either of those has me surrendering without a fight.
3. Here’s another option. Since the country has been paralysed by a shortage of Marmite, perhaps the army could find an angle to bring a nation to its knees by knocking out the appropriate food factory.

(Possible counter-action: make your own marmite!)

4. Just as “marmageddon” has been inflicted on NZ, the armed forces could devastate Scotland by blowing up the haggis factory, bring America to its knees by crippling hamburger chains, invade Belgium after curtailing their chocolate production; and bring down Japan by stopping whale meat hunting. Oh, hang on, that’s just for scientific research, right?

5. There’s potential to rule the entire Pacific region by taking control of the kava crop – but instead of withholding supply, give it out free. That would put the entire island population into a state of peaceful relaxation, for an easy invasion.

6. If the army wants to target the male population of a country, simply sneak into their lounge rooms and hide the TV remotes.

7. It would be worth testing the incapacitating effects of television advertisements; such as Harvey Norman and Big Save, which are both known to drive people insane or at least screaming from the room. This, combined with the technique above, would mean that no-one would be able to mute them. A double whammy.

8. A whole arsenal of incapacitating techniques is on show every week at the Tauranga Silly Council chambers, where some mind-numbing discussions are guaranteed to grind even the staunchest individual into a state of glazed eyes and complete brain failure – known as the non-surgical frontal lobotomy.

Our own royal family

The Bridges had their baby this week and we wish Simon and Natalie and family well. Little Emlyn and his parents are the closest thing the region has to a royal family – in case we need one – and a lot of people are expressing their pleasure from seeing a youngster born into a stable and loving family.

Amidst the many positive comments, some question the newsworthiness of this event. Among the messages of congratulations on the SunLive daily news website are the odd comment, asking why it rates. The simple answer is: Because it does rate!

Anything to do with the Bridges, and any other high profile personalities for that matter, rates highly with readers and that is why the media follow such stories. It is a case of supply and demand. The media does not decide which stories to cover, you readers do. Especially in the case of SunLive, we can measure very precisely which stories are pushing your buttons – or in this example, your computer keys.

The Bridges Baby story rated as the fifth most visited story on SunLive between Friday and Monday.

In a world with far too many stories of bad parenting, it’s refreshing to see some good. Let’s hope these and other positive role models of planned, sensible parenting can help turn NZ’s woeful record of child rearing catastrophes.

Parting shot

I’ve been studying the new give way rules on the internet, and figured it out – the orange car has to give way. So the simple answer is, buy a blue car! That way, you’ll always have right of way. Just watch out for those orange cars that haven’t learnt yet.

Good luck at the intersections from Sunday and as one commenter on SunLive pointed out this week, make sure you’re not half way through an intersection at 5am when the law changes.

1 Comment

Non Lethal

Posted on 26-03-2012 12:13 | By Maggibee

You have incapacitated me with humor. I am rolling around, clutching my sides and quite helpless. Perhaps the army should consider stand-up comedy as a non-lethat weapon.

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