Welcome to the first week of New Year 2019. Let’s celebrate the best along with the most cringe-worthy moments and forgettable celebrities of the year past.
RR has compiled the mess ups, embarrassments and generally average performances during the year, in order to celebrate the true spirit of human endeavour and recognise that not all of us can be stars; in fact most of us are in fact just average and comfortable within our own mediocrity.
And some are just downright morons.
For every rockstar and celebrity out there on the New Year’s honours list, there’s a 100,000 of us plonkers who are still trying to stitch together a semblance of success based on no talent, bugger-all determination, loose ideals, questionable morals, low standards and the good old Kiwi No.8 wire mentality.
This column celebrates all the rest of us who unspectacularly flunked; some who failed in a blaze of inglorious infamy; and the odd ones who found the No.8 wire simply snapped and took out an eye.
Fellow losers, pat yourselves on the back and reflect on another year well wasted!
The Nearly Good Enough Award:
Steve Hansen for proving that no matter how good you are, good is never enough in the face of unrealistic public expectation.
Also Famous Award:
British PM Theresa May for making her own way in the world, despite having to live in the shadow and notoriety of her steaming hot younger sibling, Maggie May.
Immigrant of the Year:
M. Bovis, whoever the hell he is, caused a lot of heartache and stress to our good farming folk. Thank goodness he’s been removed from our fair isles.
Powercut of the Year:
The winner is Puerto Rico, much of the country was without power for 11 months after Hurricane Maria.
Which is nearly as long as the NZ National party has been without power, despite getting more votes than any of the ruling coalition parties.
Leader of the Week Award:
Goes to whoever is running Australia at the moment. *Specifications may differ to those advertised. ** Australia reserves the right to change PM depending on stocks and availability. *** Except Kylie, we definitely won’t have Kylie, no matter how desperate it gets.
Busy Boy Award:
Botany MP Jami-Lee Ross for constructive use of his time, managing to somehow cram a lot into one year… and into fellow politicians… including vigorous socialising, leaking, resigning, recording, releasing, tweeting plus much more.
The Tolerance Award:
To the Martians, for putting up with us landing more of our crap on their pristine planet. Next we’ll be throwing plastic bags and used coffee cups at them.
Nice Try Award:
To Paul Anthony Blair, who unsuccessfully argued against his drink driving conviction in the Court of Appeal, claiming his 761 micrograms of breath alcohol reading was due to liberal application of mouthwash. The court ruled that his conviction stands. At least he argued with a ring of confidence.
Cultural Vandalism Award:
Female Maori Santa, for warping tradition about as far you can bend it. Thanks for the entertainment, the backlash has been sensational.
Shane Jones for the many ventures, mulching his way through as much taxpayer cash as possible in so many creative ways.
We are going to make an honest woman of Mary Jane. From illegal weed to legit party princess, the hooch may soon be legal in the High St, and every other street.
Decent Weather Award:
To Dan Corbett, the decent weatherman, for bringing us decent weather during a decent part of the country for a decent number of years now.
Thanks for Nothing Award:
For the second year! Goes to Guy Fawkes for saddling us with a pointless, dangerous, costly, anti-social ritual which has degenerated into legalised vandalism and urban terrorism that still is the bane of society several hundred years on.
To all the RR readers who wade through this nonsense every week, especially the two who make it to the end!
Thanks for your support and ideas, it’s great to know you’re all as warped as you look. Bring on 2019!