Married at NZ First Sight

Brian Rogers
Rogers Rabbits

The groom looked as handsome as ever in his trademark pinstripe suit.

Distinguished, some might say, but still classy after decades of relationship turmoil, speed dating, a stint as ‘The Political Bachelor’, and now finally, about to choose a bride in the latest episode of the long-running Kiwi reality drama, ‘Married at NZ First Sight.’

Who will he select? Will it be a wholesome, old-fashioned hitching to The Bride in Blue, the one with the most viewer votes?

The classy old blue bird who navigated the household through the last nine years; including a global financial crisis, Canterbury earthquakes, Kaikoura, Edgecumbe floods, Rena… and still came out with money in the kitty…

Or a polygamous, kinky double-wedding to the trendy hot Lady in Red and the Green Guy… “just a friend” she insists.

Will three in a bed make a successful relationship, or will someone on the outside end up short of the covers?

Or worse, rolling out the other side.

It might seem tidier to settle for reliable Old Blue on her own, than risk a tryst with the younger woman and her oddfellow bedfellow. The Greens, it seems, are always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Can’t touch this

The groom is looking for something special in his partner-to-be.  Affordable housing, currency and overseas investment are among his priorities.

He’s got some sensitive areas.

Those filthy foreigners can keep their hands off some of the assets and beauty spots.

Then there’s the wave of people from all cultures arriving on our shores. Someone has to stem the flood.

But some of the floozies he’s been courting have other ideas.

Frugal housekeeping

Old Blue, resplendent in her conservative and sensible gown, complete with blue rinse, thinks she’s been managing the household pretty frugally up till now.

She’s more concerned about tax cuts, and keeps asking “Does my immigration look big in this?”

The Old Girl doesn’t approve of the notion that the Groom might ditch her and opt for the adventurous threesome.

He’s looking at her attributes and wondering if they’re for real. He’s got a suspicion about her Inflation Targeted Monetary Policy.

You can tell he’s thinking that she could do with some ‘enhancement’ there.

She’s got to be wondering about his loyalty. After all, this guy has ‘been around’ a bit and she’d be constantly looking over her shoulder in case some tart came along with a better regime for foreign direct investment.

A girl’s got to look after her assets. Besides, you never know when Chen Feng might want to buy them.

The groom meanwhile, is eyeing her Reserve Bank and would love to work his digits into her monetary policy settings.

Left hand down a bit

On the other hand, there’s Mad Red… brimming with enthusiasm, fresh and a little naïve.

Maybe that would suit the old dog, someone he can school up to do things his way.

She comes with baggage though.

There’s no show without the Greenie tagging along. You never can trust the gardener. Or the pool boy for that matter. Who knows what may go on down the garden path while the master is distracted with matters of state.

Wine me, dine me

And there’s going to be some friction over positions. Who will be on top?

Would she stand having him behind? Would Old Blue be more likely to bend over backwards to let him have his way?

Maybe the young team are more, well, flexible in their outlook.

Whatever, just don’t mention that she’s of child-bearing age. Whoa, that’s a sensitive area. Back off, buddy. But it has to be on the mind of a prospective suitor. Perhaps that would play into his hands.

Maybe Co-Prime Minister roles could be in the vows… after all, if the Groom is in the deputy position and it transpires that a baby is forthcoming, then the Groom would be well-positioned to get on top.

So to speak.

Anything’s possible in these modern times and modern relationships.


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