Boobs go bust warning

Government safety officials moved swiftly today in the wake of the dodgy breast implant scandal sweeping Europe, insisting that until further notice all women with surgical enhancements have a two-metre exclusion zone when in public places “in case they go off”.

The scandal has been caused by the use of silicon implants from French company PIP that use inferior grade silicon than that approved by regulatory bodies.

Apparently the failure rate is such that up to 15 per cent of those used could rupture, causing localised explosions, and New Zealand authorities are racing to find if any of the dodgy products have been used here.

Until then, all women who have had a ‘boob job’ are required to register with their local police station, and when in public be preceded by an escort waving a red flag to warn passers-by to keep clear.

Safety Minister Ophelia Bapps, who told SunLive: “These things could go off at any time, and we need to protect the general public.”

“We understand the offending product has been made from low-grade industrial silicon and filled with past its sell-by date Camembert.

“After a while the contents give off a gas that can rupture the implant, with very unpleasant effects.

“Police patrols will be briefed to check out anyone seen unescorted with obviously enhanced breasts, and are undergoing emergency training to identify them with a special squeeze.”

Local police have fully embraced the move, and are apparently delighted to assist.

“I don’t always enjoy feeling a right tit, but I’m sure I’ll get used to it,” said one officer today.