I worry about the residents of Pongakawa; it must be hard living in a den of iniquity.

Who would have thought? I have friends in Pongakawa and they seem like perfectly nice people. But all the time they've been ensconced in the centre of a hotbed of illicit sexual activity.

Now thanks to the hackers who broke into the Ashley Madison website the truth has been revealed for the whole world to gasp at.

It turns out that there are apparently 20 people in li'l ol' Pongakawa registered with Ashley Madison. Which is surprising because, as far as I can tell, the entire adult population of Pongakawa is in fact 27.

Which means that, by now, every person in Pongakawa has probably had an affair with every other person in Pongakawa.

It even seems likely that several married people have actually been having affairs with their own wives or husbands without realising it. Masks are so useful...

But I guess it's all come to an end now.

The good folk of Pongakawa must be gutted. Long winter nights must stretch towards a dull bleak horizon as they contemplate a future purged of internet dating.

So The Weekend Sun is here to help – just sign up for Winston's Largely Completely Anonymous Rural Pongakawa Ultra-Hi-Speed Dating Initiative. I'll be running it under the totally untraceable pseudonym Ashley Watusi and all your information will absolutely not be shared with anyone, except for whoever happens to be in the office on Wednesdays and Thursdays and the strange guy with a limp who comes in to get sports betting tips from the staff twice a week. Otherwise, it's top secret.

The only thing is you need to be a resident of Pongakawa. Then just send us your email address, bank account numbers and passwords, $50 in a plain brown envelope, and a list of any people in Pongakawa you haven't had an affair with yet.

If you don't hear back from us in a couple of weeks please send $15 and we'll delete your details, completely and for ever.

Or at least we'll give them to the guy with the limp and ask him to dump them somewhere handy on his way out.

Of course, just down the road from the bustling metropolis of Pongakawa is the sleepy seaside hollow of Papamoa. Where people are far too busy and serious for the frivolities of internet dating. But they do some good things there nonetheless.

A concert for James.

This Sunday (August 30) Tauranga Acoustic Music Club is having a concert for James Reid at the Papamoa Tavern.

Five-year-old James suffers from quadriplegia cerebral palsy. He also has hydrocephalus (or water on the brain) and epilepsy.


James Reid, pictured with his father Don, has spastic quadriplegia cerebral palsy.

Most patients with the condition cannot walk and their speech is profoundly affected. Their limbs can be extremely stiff, yet their neck is ‘floppy'. Seizures are also common.

James' parents are hoping to raise $150,000 to be able to take him to the US for one of two life-changing operation operations. So far they've raised almost one-third of the money needed thanks to the support of the Tauranga community.

Sunday will be a low-key concert, with 30-minute performances from various club duos, including the infamous Fitch and Ramous, Paul Lethbridge and Sheryl Bond, and the entertainingly named Jasper Chomp. There'll be a Dutch band called Liquorice T, some country, banjo folk and swingy ukulele, with a mix of covers and originals.

Things will run from 2-6pm and there's no entry fee, just a money box passed around with no obligations. If you've got a free hour or two on Sunday there are probably worse ways to spend your time.

And, before I go, just a quick shout-out for the next musical event at the Art Gallery, which is next Friday. It's swing time there with hot new Auckland Gypsy swing quartet Twistin' The Swing. They comprise a couple of acoustic guitars, an upright bass and a violin and are getting rave reviews for their music, which mixes Django Reinhardt with generous dose of uniquely interpreted Latin, American Jazz and European sounds.

Things kick off at 7pm, tickets are $25 from the Gallery ($20 for Friends of the Gallery).

watusi@thesun.co.nz