- How do you heat your home?
- Cow dump and gala fun tomorrow
- Swanning spoonbills spotted
- Cycling the coastline
- Highway open after three car crash
- What Bill English’s $25 will buy
- Cheesy release at the market
- Firefighters mustering up SkyTower
- Police target highway heavyweight
- Weather systems tackle country
- Sun shines in media awards
- Chiefs victorious over Bulls
- What’s on Today? Rugby club day
- New course takes flight
- Govt wipes child support debt
- Highway open after three car crash
- Amy wins Goliath tenancy battle
- Kiwifruit smeared on Te Puke road
- Girls’ lucky escape in bus stop crash
- Facebook post points to arson
- Kaiate warning now permanent
- Cuddle cot for grieving mums
- Heavy rain forecast for Bay
- Drug dealer's appeal fails
- Mysterious bangs sonic booms
- Police search for crash driver
- Leisure Island petition fails
- Polar blast to grip country
- ‘Dangerous’ man wanted by police
- Missing man’s body found
Life in New Zealand a decade from now
Today's guest rabbitorial has kindly been sent to us from John Mathieson, his own local adaption of an email story. Thanks John.
"Winston, come into the dining room, it's time to eat," Julia yelled to her husband. "In a minute, honey, it's a tie score."
Actually, Winston wasn't very interested in the traditional holiday rugby game between Auckland and Wellington. Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle rugby for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad example it sets for the rest of the world", Winston was far less of a rugby fan than he used to be. Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting.
Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in. It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey. Even though it was the best type of Veggie Meat available after the government revised the New Zealand Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce, and mincemeat pie), it wasn't anything like real turkey.
And ever since the government officially changed the name of "Christmas Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in 2020, to officially acknowledge the misinterpretation and management of the “Treaty of Waitangi”, the holiday had lost a lot of its lustre.
Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold. Ever since the Greens had passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats - which were monitored and controlled by the electric company - be kept at 20 degrees Celsius, every room on the south side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.
Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family.
Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of life-saving medical treatment. He had had many heated conversations with the Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program. And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort. "The RHC's resources are limited," explained the government bureaucrat. "Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I'm sorry for your loss."
Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines - for everyone but government officials. The 50 mile round trip was about 10 miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.
Thankfully, Winston's brother, John, and his wife were flying in.
Winston made sure the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his haemorrhoids. Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told New Zealanders the added "inconvenience" was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay “one step ahead of the terrorists”.
Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via the Anti-Terrorist-Profiling Act of 2022. That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny", even when probable cause was involved. Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc. had become almost routine. Almost.
The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Kiwis expect a Court composed of three Labour, and six conservative Greens to leave the law intact. "A living Constitution is extremely flexible", said the Court's eldest member, Elena Kagan. "Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example," she added.
Winston's thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner. Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford. She whined for a week, but got over it.
His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism, or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner", but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude ranging between simmering surliness and outright hostility.
It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 metres of another human being. Winston paid the $5000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the New Zealand dollar became virtually worthless as a result of yet another world share market crash of 2019.
The latest round of quantitative easing the government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth". This time, they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18 per cent, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.
Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement.
At least he had his memories. He felt a twinge of sadness when he realised his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realised their full potential and before the broad sweeping laws to protect ourselves from ourselves came in. Winston could still remember the days spent out in the sun enjoying the beach but of course that was before the government law of 2016 “Sun Smart”, or the “SS” as it was known, demanded everyone must be fully clothed to protect against the threat of the sun. But he regretted like so many of his fellow Kiwis that he now had to take large doses of vitamin D (readily available from the government pharmaceutical supply company) to compensate for the lack of sunlight, fortunately he didn't need the new on the market sperm rejuvenator after it was discovered that due to constant over heating from wearing all the “safety clothing” in summer that the majority of Kiwi males were infertile.
Winston never realised how many things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them. He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2012, when all the real nonsense began.
"Maybe we wouldn't be where we are today if we'd just said 'enough is enough' when we had the chance," he thought.
Maybe so, Winston.
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