It was looking like a quiet news week, with only the pesky ETS really showing any promise, until the devastating news broke about the national cucumber shortage.
Yes folks, in these days of promises of super cities, Auckland Olympics, and every Kiwi home owning a panda – the biggest story of the week was the Cucumber Crisis.

At least the cucumber story was a novel break from the nauseating vuvuzelas and the pathetic Hollywood football diving antics; and yet another regurgitation of the Bain murders.
For those going into cucumber-deprived withdrawal symptoms, you’ll be pleased to know that this made national headlines: Cucumber slices are being rationed at Subway. Six-inch subs will now get two slices of cucumber instead of three, and foot-longs will get four instead of six.
No wonder the rest of the world thinks New Zealand is a loopy backwater.
However, the cucumber crisis isn’t the only reason we are considered backward.
Now there’s the ETS!

Penguins rejoice
It is nice to see you all smug and self-congratulatory, knowing that by now, you’ve saved the planet. Pat yourselves on your contrite backs.
That’s right, because now the Emissions Trading Scheme has kicked in, the earth immediately cooled a bit, the sea levels stopped rising, polar bears again were frolicking on their ice floes, and penguins put down their chip wrappers for a moment to clap their happy flippers. All the world is thankful to the good people of New Zealand for being so thoughtful. You’ve sent that pesky carbon packing!
Who would have thought that a few bucks a week, paid by people with no trees, to the people who have trees, would make a difference?
And has the ETS changed your lifestyle? Has any of the manmade global warming bleating made an iota of difference to carbon levels? Indeed, will carbon levels make a smidgeon of difference to the world’s climate going through its natural cycles of highs and lows, as it has done for millennia?
From what I see, and the average NZer, the answer to all of that is “No”.
In fact, the ETS is purely a symbolic and political gesture, won’t make a puff of difference in the atmosphere. More to the point, NZ is such a pinhead on the world stage of polluters (0.2 per cent of global emissions) it couldn’t change supposed man-induced planet warming if the whole country stopped belching completely and was planted in trees from Reinga to Bluff.
And especially while the big polluters, who have dodged the ETS issue, carry on regardless. USA, Japan, India, and China have no intention of yet introducing such a scheme, and Australia has just bailed out.
So in effect, you are being taxed to look good to the rest of the world.
Simply a stage act so our politicians can slap each other on the back, jet around the world and hang out at swanky world leader meetings, crowing, “Oh what a good boy am I.”
And I bet they don’t even bother to ration their cucumber.

Oil giants cream it again
Interesting to note that the big players in the oil industry are already planning to crank up the prices, under the guise of the ETS. Not so Gull, the little player in the market and general nice guys, based right here at the Mount.
Gull is vowing to stave off petrol and diesel pump price rises as long as possible, unlike its oppositions who only need a sniff of a reason to whack up the price.
Good on you, Gull.
SunLive recently reported on the local impact of the ETS and the Gull story. www.sunlive.co.nz/15645a1.page
Meanwhile, the ACT party estimates our farmers, the backbone of the NZ economy, will pay dearly for the ETS – the equivalent of seven cows per dairy farm; or 163 lambs per farm, just to offset the ETS costs. Lord knows what the impact will be on cucumber farms.

Most oldies object
One survey suggests 87 per cent of New Zealanders disagree with the introduction of the ETS. At least the older sector of the community thinks that way, according to Seniors Card research.
New Zealanders over 55 do not want the Emissions Trading Scheme when seven out of 10 of New Zealand’s main trading partners have not introduced similar schemes.
Perhaps the best option, then, for older folk struggling to pay increasing costs compounded by the ridiculous ETS, could be this idea, thanks to the many avid readers who sent versions:
Let’s put the seniors in JAIL, and the criminals in a NURSING HOME.   
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks, they’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheelchairs etc. and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.  
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.  
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.  
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.  
They would have access to a library, weight room, pool, spiritual counseling and education.   
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJs all free.
Legal aid would be free on request.  
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.    
Each senior could have a PC a TV, radio, and daily phone calls.  
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.    
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.  
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  
Live in a tiny room, and pay $5000 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.  
Justice for all.